Self-conscious Souls Pillows

"Dating is hard when you feel like people only like you for your legs."

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

'Garfield has told the oil companies to go to hell.'

That party went well.

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"I knew it!"

"For goodness sake, stop this daily whining! She's just gone to work, she'll be back tonight! Get a grip!"

Bald man with a brush on his head

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.' 'There goes my political career!'

Kid to church leader: 'Is Heaven environmentally friendly?'

Psychiatry. I'm not fooling anybody but myself? Well, that's a start!

So, when did I realize I was a control freak, doc?…

Psychiatry. I think I'm my own worst enemy because I like to back the winning side!

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'

"I've got buck teeth, an overbite, big ears, pink eye, a harelip, and I live in a hole. She must love me!"

'You know you're 40 when...'(women)

If you were an iceberg...

The first step is losing the illusion that you're in control of your actions.

"Fine, but, what if we all took a vow of silence? Then how many monks would you see in cartoons?"

The Side Effect of Self-Awareness

"You've got solipsistic narcissism, take two selfies and call me in the morning."

'No sooner had I gotten over religious guilt when I developed eco-guilt.'

"Does this bird make me look fat?"

'Does my bum look big in this'

"Health and safety need you to put rubber tips on your arrows and replace the angel tears in your love potion with saline."

"Can you recite back where I said, ‘He’s such a drama queen’? I just want to hear you say it.”

"Help me doc - I keep thinking I'm inside a cartoon."

"Right foot, left foot, inhale, exhale, right foot..."