Self-aware Parent Gifts

'My children are very realistic.'

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

That party went well.

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

When did you first feel like a male trapped in a female body? When I was a foetus.

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"Is this who I am?"

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Oh No!! - I'm deciduous..."

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

"God help us, it's that guy."

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

Humpty Dumpty wearing over-the-shoulder seat belt smiles smugly.

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

Motorway of the Self

So doctor, what you're saying is that all the time I thought she was a crazy cat lady, it was me who had mental health issues...

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"I'm realizing how useless I'd be in a post apocalyptic world - All I do is draw cartoons."

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

"The perfect killing machine? Is that all I am to you?"

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

Internet Commenter Magazine.

"In short, then, I'm looking for a job that matches my sense of entitlement!"

"My, aren't we patient-oriented this morning."

"What did you learn in school today that I'd object to?"

"Behold my perfect window of existence, when I'm neither trying to wake up nor falling asleep."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."