Self-aware Parent Gifts

'My children are very realistic.'

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

That party went well.

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

When did you first feel like a male trapped in a female body? When I was a foetus.

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

"Is this who I am?"

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Oh No!! - I'm deciduous..."

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

As soon as I've extinguished my ego, I'm going to take some "me" time.

"God help us, it's that guy."

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

Psychology Clinic. Most potent example of solipsism I've ever seen --- he follows himself on Twitter.

Humpty Dumpty wearing over-the-shoulder seat belt smiles smugly.

Motorway of the Self

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

So doctor, what you're saying is that all the time I thought she was a crazy cat lady, it was me who had mental health issues...

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

How are you feeling, Al? I couldn't be happier, Dr. Kapuchnik. Gee, that's great. No, I mean I wanted to be happier, but I couldn't.

"I'm realizing how useless I'd be in a post apocalyptic world - All I do is draw cartoons."

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

"I knew it!"

"The perfect killing machine? Is that all I am to you?"

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"What did you learn in school today that I'd object to?"

Do not ask if you are truly hitting yourself. Rather, ask why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself. Guru Brothers.

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, What do you think of younger men? -kl. *(Actual reader letter) Ask Sadie at rudy@rudypark.com. Depends. Younger men have strong jaws and rock-hard abs, but they're missing the sexiest thing: they're not crotchety jerks, set in their ways, willing to argue about anything and say totally stupid things. Hey, doesn't that foul old wretch realize I've got rock-hard abs and a steel jaw?! (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-07-12)

"My, aren't we patient-oriented this morning."

"Behold my perfect window of existence, when I'm neither trying to wake up nor falling asleep."

'I never forget a face.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."