Seismic Sarcasm Lover Pillows

If God Existed

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'