Secret Sleuths Gifts

A man peeping through keyholes ends up with a keyhole imprint on his face.

"It's almost like don't trust me to keep a secret...I never told anyone about what Armstrong puts in the soup..."

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

'Alone for the weekend at last!'

$1: Family Secrets

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

The Modern Godot

'Looks like the victim was trying to tell us something,'

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

No, you were supposed to check the doorbell camera before lowering the drawbridge.

Secret Service Dogs

'Loose lips sink principalships.'

'Do I have a story to tell about Novox Genlab!'

Two men converse secretively

'And what if I did doctor the documents? I'm a doctor.'

'Nice try buddy, but we know the score. You were involved, but you only played a small part. What we want to know is who orchestrated this thing.'

'Remember, all these security cameras are for YOUR protection...otherwise, I'd come over there and smack you.'

Catholic Priest Gay Mardi Gras

'Who's your Daddy?'

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

Communicate with the departed via the cloud.

F.B.I. An equal opportunity phone tapper without regard to race, sex, or national origin.

The Banana Crime

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

'Bravo Professor, you stumbled upon the one fact that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately humanity is not permitted to know that the Universe was designed by a committee of ducks.'

'I let Facebook and My-Space do most of the leg work. I just park outside houses wearing a trilby.'

'Have we found a scandal in here?'

Six Degrees of Depradation

'No, I haven't found the elusive Higgs boson yet.'

"So what can you tell us about this escaped master of disguise, John?"

Arthur Conan Doyle

'Sue, the poltergeist has made us another cake.'

"What if these guys in white coats who bring us food are, like, studying us and we're part of some kind of big experiment?"

Trainspotter spotting: 'Gosh! A type 406 with original thermos.'