Seasonal Comedy Fans Gifts

'If you give me your email address, I'll put you on my mailing list.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

"Little help?"

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Standard & Poor

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Yakety-Yak

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

The first case of resume padding.

"Donner and Blitzen are just our stage names."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"Don't go in there!!"

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

'An this good luck charm is to commemorate when our turtle ran away. He's the one who took Jim's pinkie.'

'Let's face it George: we're not spring chickens anymore...'

'Summer's over and it's time to fall in!'

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'

"We don't use good and bad lists anymore. Now we have stupid, really stupid and completely nuts lists."