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'But everybody does that stuff!'

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

"Meet the scribe"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Too 'Book of Genesis'?"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

"Great - already running late and then this happens."

'Any chance these are available in paperback?'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Moses comes down the mountain with the first silicon chip.

'Oh, another thing, there'll be no more of this standing upright business, ok?'

"For the last time Pharaoh, it's a plague, not global warming."

Jesus wept

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

"He never lets you forget that he had a cameo in the Old Testament."

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."