Scripted Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"You're free to go but next time you want to film on location here, don't tell a passenger you're here to shoot a pilot."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

Trappist Monk Discord

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Hollywood producer.

Crime in bookshop

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Men Working Things Out

Clone Factory

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"Inactivists"

"Wow! Check out the moon."

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'