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'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

Mensa Does Improv

Hollywood producer.

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'Hang on a minute...'

Hollywood producer.

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

TV Situations vacant.

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

"Great money scenes!"

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."