Script Smith T-Shirts

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Mensa Does Improv

A pretention of playwrights

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

How Swordfish Are Born

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Actor practising his indian war crys

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Hollywood producer.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Hang on a minute...'

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).