Screwball Comedy Fans Gifts

"In your condition, all I have is a job at the stripped club."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"That'll be five bucks."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

"As I was only saying the other day..."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

Humans Queue To Use Portable Toilet While Dogs Queue To Use Tree Portable Toilet

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"He looks just like your husband."

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

Standard & Poor

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"We get fantastic indoor facilities during the cold months."

"Don't go in there!!"

Shaving

The first case of resume padding.

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Yakety-Yak

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'