Screenwriting Sage Gifts

Orson Welles

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Annual run-off at the mouth.

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

Stand-up Romcom

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Lady of the bath...

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."