Screen Addict Satirist Pillows

"You don't have a cell phone with you? That counts as 'nude'."

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Sock Puppet in Literature

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Stick Figure" "Stick Figure II" "Stick Figures" "Stick Figure: The Reawakening"

"You'll love this model, sir! You won't have to miss any of the sports action when you go for a beer!"

"Don't open me, you fool!"

'Screen saver. . . or did his computer freeze again?'

Spooning

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Your mind is somewhere else." "My mind is somewhere else."

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"So, how's your scary movie?"

2001: A Space Odyssey - Updated

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

Some days Ted's head would get stuck for hours.

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"Wait a minute! This is a copy of 'TV Guide.' "

Gogglebollox: Our Queen at 90

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"

Movie Franchise

'Are you okay, Bill?'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

What passes today for 'nose in a book'.

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

"I was admitted to heaven, but they didn't have WIFI."

"They used the ultimate weapon to drive me away. Taxes."

"What do the know!"

Sunset Romance

"Thank you for waking me up from the witch's curse! Can you hand me my phone?"

First Place Layabout

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Sean Hannity?'

"Do I need to remind you that I have a huge Internet following?"