Scissor Snipper Pillows

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

The aliens froze, gripped by a primal fear. This time there would be no abduction.

"Be creative...!"

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

The Stripper

Good stripper cop / Bad stripper cop

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

Girl on a giant pair of scissors.

"Do you mind?"

"Eewww! It still makes a lousy cup of coffee!"

"Alright, I'll talk. Just please, stop with the good-cop, ab-cop routine."

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

"Isn't that your ex wife?"

"I think he's going to be a bus driver - he loves cutting things up."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'Just a minute, I forgot something.'

Haircuts

'WOOHOOO! Yeah BABY, yeah!' (at a zebra strip show)

Dueling marionettes.

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

"At least I won't have to jump out of these silly things for a living any more."

Foodie Bank

'This tasted a lot better at the trade show, Sammy.'

"Just take a little off the top!"

'Jenkins, you could be a great salesman if only you'd stop barking at customers and nibbling the furniture.'

George Osborne, Autumn Statement - scissorhands.

Afternoon crafts

'This is just the warm up.'

"He says he's three months late because of Readers' Block!"

Stirrbucks

"It won't be much of a holiday for me, did you forget I'm a stripper?"

"Call me old fashioned, but I preferred this place before it went all 'equal-opportunity employer'."

"And the Lord said, 'They shall gradually, so as not to cause unemployment, beat their swords into plowshares.'"