School Admission Pillows

'Yes, dad, I mis-spoke my math grade, covered-up my reprimand from the dean, and cheated on an English quiz, but I'm getting an A in political science.'

"We help the student qualify for one of the major tutoring centers."

'They're praying the school doesn't find out that they've been pretending to be religious.'

'Her special Talent is sulking.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Getting into a good grammar is getting harder and it's worse now that the government is prioritising 'normal working families'."

'You'd like an admission? Well it's a lousy school and been in special measures for years. . .'

'Congratulations son! You've got into your first choice school.'

"I'm afraid you could do better work in order to get your daughter into this school."

"She's so smart...on the highway of life, she's in the E-Z Pass lane."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

Bribes for Jabs

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

"You know what happens when you make good grades? They send you to another school called college."

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

"So, Sandra, what can you tell us about your lovely mood board?"

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'The bad news is you failed all your courses. The good news is you passed the urine test.'

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

"Class, this is Mr. Elzondo. He's going to talk about going to college."

'It's my application to Harvard...'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

Scenes we'd most like to see...

End of Affirmative Action

College game crowd: 'WE WON',,,'and that somehow makes you superior'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.