Scam Scholar Pillows

"I'm the Nigerian Prince that emailed you. I got concerned when I never heard back."

'He's not as studious as he looks - his backpack is full of comic books.'

'Irwin graduates from an online course today.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Book Thief in True Crime Department

Eugene Ionesco

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

"Here's my wallet, my phone, the key to the safe and an application form for your so-called 'mind control device.'"

Dear Diary

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

Pretending To Care

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?

"To verify you are the person who answered the phone, May I have your social security number and a major credit card."

Gone Phishing

"Fraud ..what fraud?... " SEC

Cheating Alien

"Excuse me, your honor. If you could just give us a few minutes, my client would like to pitch some time shares to the jury real quick."

Chad cheats death – and would live on to lead a very stupid life.

"I didn't actually read the book. I listened to it on audio."

'What the...?!' 404 ERROR!

"For today's punishment, you'll be listening to my mom talk about her foot pain."

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

"Me, I work with a professional snake catcher: he drops me into people's backyards at night and waits for the call in the morning to come and catch me again..."

"Why do I have to go to school? Why can't I just log onto their website when I get up?"

P.T. Barnum as a child.

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

'All of my degrees are from on-line universities. I guess that makes me a man of e-mails rather than of letters.'

The SAT test can wear you down.

UCU University Lecturer's Strike

"You mean all this time everything was really a screw?"

Pay more attention to your mail. All those pre-approved credit cards should raise your self-esteem.

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"