Satirical Soulmates Gifts

'You can have custody of the kids as long as I get custody of the money!'

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"I heard they mate for life."

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

"Out of all your 277 passwords, not once did you use my name. Are you losing feelings for me?"

"Not enough money is being spent on safety, so be careful."

"Wow, these are great cartoons! We have to let them go, and anyway, cartoonists are on the endangered species list..."

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

Gore Vidal

"If global warming is a left wing plot... it's a very good one."

"Sure, you can use the bathroom. But, you have to put your request in writing and send three copies to the personnel department."

"Maybe I haven't suffered enough. Why don't you whip up some of your curried pork balls and refried rice for dinner?"

"I think that before we put the flat on AirBnb we should have moved out."

"I talked Vladi into skipping the transition to democracy in his country and just shooting straight over here with me."

Hook them with a crisis.

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"She's all surgery and he's all pharmacy."

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

Hudson River Crouton

"I donut know what I'd do without him."

"You too, Merlot?"

'Welcome aboard Todd. Let me introduce you to the rest of the crew.'

Market. Sale. Bottled Water. Improved! Now 25% Wetter!

The devil's profits.

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

Playing Footsies.

"It's adjusted for inflation. A dollar a chip."

"Curious and curiouser."

"You fight, you don't have sex—isn't it time you two tied the knot?"

'The gravy? Was that 'boat' or 'train', sir?'