Satirical News Enthusiast Pillows

"I just feel fortunate to live in a world with so much disinformation at my fingertips."

'The F.D.A. has recalled everything!'

'This just in from the AMA: New studies reveal that life is bad for you.'

Unindictable

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

'Funny how they don't pay attention to rural problems until we're in the public eye.'

German demotion is promotion

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

The height of fashion in 1796

reincarnated worm...

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

Political convention

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

Meat Grinder

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'