Satirical News Enthusiast Pillows

"I just feel fortunate to live in a world with so much disinformation at my fingertips."

'The F.D.A. has recalled everything!'

'This just in from the AMA: New studies reveal that life is bad for you.'

Unindictable

This just in: A deadly new disease called "turkey leprosy" is threatening to ruin this year's holiday season. Symptoms include numbness in the feet, muscle weakness after working out, and potentially disfiguring dandruff. Sadie M. Cohen, the worlds foremost expert on turkey leprosy, issues the following statement from her front lawn. "You are all ignoramuses. There will be no further comment." What did she mean by that, Harvey? Good question. Let's discuss that for a few days.

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

'Today, the dollar continued to hold its value in relation to monopoly money.'

'Funny how they don't pay attention to rural problems until we're in the public eye.'

German demotion is promotion

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Support the Ex-Troops

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Torturing the English Language

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

Pretty Flowers

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

reincarnated worm...

The height of fashion in 1796

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"I don't like the looks of that!"

Political convention

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"