Satirical Minds Gifts

"He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown."

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Forget it - I knew a guy who went there once and he got slapped with 387 paternity suits.'

"I enjoyed smoking it more when marijuana was illegal."

"I knew, from an early age, that I wanted to be an asshole."

"A study shows that painkiller addiction is up due to watching the news."

"Running Bare has forgotten his pants again."

"We ask that you help us to appreciate our old traditions...to respect our heritage...and to preserve civilized life on this Earth as we know it. Amen."

"So, this is what he meant when he said, 'we like to mix it up'."

"Label says it's organic. That just means it's made in the State of Organ."

"Of course you can join, sir."

'What's the difference between the IRS demanding money and a gang of thieves? The IRS has better stationery.'

'That's one of those May-December love affairs. He's 251 years old, and she can't be a day over 135!'

"This tastes almost as good as bottled water."

Bottled water rip-off

"Oh dear, I've got white-finger..."

'Once a member of the mile high club, now a member of the six foot under club.'

'Think outside the box, end up inside one.'

'What with Obama and all his giveaways, I'm surprised you're still in business.'

'You peasants should be ashamed and embarrassed to have your king appear in this tinny crown and shabby robe!'

Having learned to read lips, Howard was able to avoid the expense of an HDTV and cable.

"The older I get, the more meaningful I find shallow materialism."

Wow! Look at all these college brochures. You're soo popular! The top colleges in the country want me to apply! Um, Twig. You know they're trolling for applicants to boost their stupid rankings. That's ok. At least I'll be rejected by the very best! You can visit me at Harvard.

Occu-Pie Mars

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

They're Not Just That Into It

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Brian's fine. He`s got his own coping mechanism."

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Reverse psychology