Satire Seeker Gifts

'Send this back to the legal department. I think they could make it much more complicated than this...'

"First, we'll look for repressed memories of malpractice suits."

'Kinda makes you wonder why we even bother to meet.'

"My parents sent back all my stuff that came from China."

"Did you ever start to do something and then forget what the heck it was?"

'This is the most positive thing I've done all year.'

Quality Control

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'Company planning department'

'Funny, every November, she always seems to find herself an overweight boyfriend with life insurance.'

'We don't have to keep up with the Joneses any more...They've filed for bankruptcy.'

Fairy tales in pandemic time

Yesterday in this space I predicted that the world would come to an end. It did not, however. I regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

Fat exerciser buying endorphins

'I've always managed to retain my humility, I'm proud to say.'

"Just remember, if you give a hundred and ten per cent, I get twenty per cent of that."

'And I want a load of those statins I read about that let you eat as many fatburgers as you like without getting a heart attack.'

'He said he won't give me a new heart unless I change my lifestyle.'

"Guess which one is the cell tower."

'About this reference of yours, he worked for me for sixteen years, and when he left I was very satisfied.'

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

Illegal immigration...crossing the border.

'Your lab tests came back. You're as strong as the U.S dollar. Don't worry, We have medications that can make you better.'

'This policy has one exclusion - no payoff if civilization is destroyed by terrorism. However, in that event, all your premiums would be refunded.'

Meet the Enemy

You don't have to be crazy to work here. WE CAN TRAIN YOU.

Virus Standup

Dead Parrot, "Thought the elements for recovery are in place the Parrot does not have the feel good factor."

'I know we can't repeal the laws of nature, but I don't see why we can't amend them a little.'

'My staff are all legally entitled to work here but very few of them choose to.'

Although the Weather Service hasn't predicted rain, certain indicators can't be ignored.

"If you throw it to me I'll introduce you to my financial advisor."

An unlicensed acupuncturist