Sassy Server Pillows

"The Mashed Potato Casserole with Creamed Spinach, Baked Egg and Garlic is half price tonight, sir. It's horrible."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'A cheeky red?'

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

'Do you have any catsup?'

Fast food. Even faster food

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"Sorry, kid. No off-campus drinking until you're twenty-one."

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."