Sassy Conversationalist T-Shirts

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

Nice try, but you can't blame your empty highball on global warming.

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Why we need poetry. . .

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Oh Gregori! You tell such funny stories!"

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

'I do so much better with women when I quit trying to understand them and just repeat what they say to each other.'

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."