Sass Specialist Gifts

Brunette girlfriend " I quite like your beard. You are only half as ugly now."

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

'The hair specialist is down the hall.'

What will the little one be? Epidemiologist? Virologist? PPE manufacturer?

"This guy's a terrific defensive lineman. I once saw him chase down a quakerback for nearly 40 yards before sacking him. It was in a shopping mall, but still..."

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

"Yo, how's it swinging?"

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

'Colourful scenes in central London as the annual pedants' pride parade makes it way into Hyde park.'

"To toast!"

'Watch your step, counselor; I can go from zero to bitch in 3.2 seconds.'

'When did your breezy disdain turn into sneering condescension?'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'I must be getting older. I tried to make an adorable remark to mom yesterday, and it came out all smart-alecky.'

Skateboard English

'We've got to think about our lending policy for small businesses... Like my tailor!'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

Radical Think Tank

"We're checking ourselves out after making our own salads and grinding our own coffee...they should be paying us!"

"I have a B.A. in indifference, an M.A. in obstinacy and I'm currently working on my doctorate in defiance."

'Pssst! I'm your Secret Santa.'

'Don't you talk back to me like that!'

'I'm 50 percent lovable and 50 percent bitch. Don't push it.'

"You're a ledge."

Puppetry of the Penis

"I don't want to be empowered - I want to be sassy."

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

"I've been pretty good. Which I'm sure you'll agree is good enough for all but the most tyrannical extremist."

'How did you guess? Of course it's rented!'

'Tell the new young fella it's cute.. then send him home to change into a suit and tie.'

'I like to think of myself as Tiger Woods' greatest nightmare - although I'd don't know why he'd ever dream about me.'

'Mom, when my friends are here, please don't say 'cool' about EVERYTHING!'

'Don't you dare raise your eyebrows at me young man!'

'Cheeky sods! I'm sure they're mentally dressing us.'