Sardonic Salaryman Gifts

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

Hearse on an emergency

"Occasionally he allows staff to voice their grievances..."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

Defeatists Anonymous will meet here tonight at...oh, what's the use? It's not like we're going to solve our problems or anything.

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Science shows cats love you!'

Man Gives Death the Finger.

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

The Devil's Advocat

"Free Wi-Fi"