Sardonic Exerciser Pillows

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'

Welcome to hell. A lose-lose situation.

'I just invented the wheel and traffic congestion.'

Next hero

'Apologies for the delay to the trains...we are busy counting our money.'

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

'Gas prices starting to freak you out, Ed?'

"Do you want to watch someone cook or someone decorate?"