Sarcastic Salary Earner Gifts

So sorry, I dialled the wrong number. I dialled my salary by mistake.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Caesar salad?'

Tolls: Must have exact change and tails up.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

The average taxpayer will ultimately embrace the auto industry bailout. Hell, we sold em all that useless undercoating for all these years!

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"The Help Desk guy says to try Ctrl-Alt-Delete....!"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"I'm not whining."