Sarcastic Realist Gifts

"OK, now here comes the lava."

Man Jumps on the 'Guide: How to make money'.

The End Is Near.

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"Hello, Miss Brophy? How are my dot.com shares doing at the moment?"

Toilet: Pay as you go

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"White Collar Prison"

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

We have control of you brain.

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'