Sarcastic Mom-to-be Gifts

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"Be sure and eat your frozen vegetables."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

Instant Gratification Cafe.

Bureau of the Damned

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You were a ten month baby. The postman brought you.'

Congratulations! When are you due?

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'All our appliances come with energy saving device - off/on switch.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

1,001 names to Embarrass Your Child for Life.

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"My favorite painting? That's like asking who's my favorite child. It's Michael."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'Come watch TV with me, Mom. This movie is for young and old.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

"Juding by your expression, your mom made kale for dinner."

'I love my obstetrician! He brings out the kid in me!'

Eat your vegetables

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"A stranger is about to come into your life!"

"This is my mom's phone. Instead of a hashtag, it has a pound sign."