Sarcastic Chuckler Pillows

'Oh no! Not another customer looking for a mortgage...'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'...and on that you have my word.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Know-it-alls

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'