Sarcastic Chuckler Pillows

'Oh no! Not another customer looking for a mortgage...'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Know-it-alls

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."