Sarcasm Sweetheart Pillows

"Was that a mixed signal?"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Do it yourself books.

The Snarky District

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."