Sanitise Skeptic Pillows

"You have to use this! It's the law!"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

The first meeting.

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

'And just what studies show that losing weight causes global warming?'

Foreign Policy Mysteries Revealed!

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

'I blame the internet.'

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'You don't really want to go to this party, do you?'

"We didn't learn anything today. We had to unlearn what the substitute taught us yesterday."

"I wonder if we'll still have to eat kale this summer."

"When Daddy goes by, make sure he can see how bored we are."

"If you send these people $50 they'll tell you how to make money online."

This is not a scam. Send money and receive authentic 'This is Not A Scam' certificate."

"I can guarantee you'll lose £50 as soon as you hand over your credit card."

Supermarkets

Ahmadinejad in New York.

Humans are not logical. A "five-start" rating is very unimpressive when you consider how many billion of us there are out there.

"I never saved for a rainy day...I grew up shopping in an enclosed mall!"

"If you're so sober, why ain't you rich?"

"Grown men! There's no such thing, Molly."

Supermarket Self Service Checkout

'I made loads of money by not doing TV quizzes.'