Sales Pitch Comic Relief Pillows

"This smartphone is not very smart and will be a excellent purchase for you."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Thank you, Harris - I get the picture."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"In layman's terms, it's £12,750."

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Sales tied in knots

Tourist in the desert

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

'You want to run that by me again?'

"The forty thousand dollars includes a rear view mirror!"

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"It's as though everything nice about you had been just some kind of introductory offer."

Carpet salesman, "There's a bit of tyre damage, but not so anyone would notice."

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

"Uggh! Who am I?" 'Rory Bremner wakes up with a hangover'

"Is that before or after tax?"