Sacred Text Scholar Pillows

"Believe it or not this is the original stack of bibles that I perjured myself on."

"If you used a smaller font they would all fit on one tablet."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

John Bunyan

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"You call this a constitution?"

"I've got writer's block."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

Well HERE'S some good news...Judgement Day has been replaced by a multiple choice questionnaire.

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'Is there an E-Reader Edition?'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"Boss, you can't be serious! This can't be paradise. . . there's no football and no pubs!"

'Sometimes I wish we'd never told him he was adopted.'

"What did Jesus order?"