Sabbath Pillows

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

And on the Seventh Day...

Presbyterian Butler

'Jack, about those beans you bought for the cholent...'

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

"I just explained 'kugel' to him."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Working Holiday

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

A child interrupting family prayers

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

I've given you 110 for ten years, like you asked. Now I'm taking that year off that I've earned!

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Is there an option to make my out-of-office message permanent?"

Technological Dependence.

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

How's my sermon. . .