Rustic Epicurean Gifts

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

"This robot barista is so authentic it even got my name wrong."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that surprising.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"I ain't particular, but are you sure a '71 claret is the right choice for these here beans?"

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

No Flash Photography of Meals

"What's good here?"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

Man reading dog food can: Contains beef and beef by-products.

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

"I was afraid of GMO foods until I learned they're the designer versions."

"Now you know what your email goes through when you send a gigantic file."

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

'You've really outdone yourself this time, dear! That was the best dirt I've eaten in a long time!'