Everyday Epicurean Gifts

How to injury yourself as an adult

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

Odysseus returns to the Laundromat

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

"This robot barista is so authentic it even got my name wrong."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

"What's good here?"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

'We thank you for this food, but we wish you gave us enough sense to avoid all this cholesterol, salt and all these additives.'

"I was afraid of GMO foods until I learned they're the designer versions."

"Now you know what your email goes through when you send a gigantic file."

"The best hot dogs in the city should be hard to get."

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

"I'm so hungry , I could eat a man." Alison's appetite was legendary.