Roommate Wrangler Gifts

"And FYI, Iggy has night terrors."

"Don't talk to me about smelly feet: my flatmate is a centipede..."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Speed Dating for Turtles

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'I was just playing rodeo and breaking horses.'

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Can we please just stick to the core business?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

She - Interpreter - He.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

High Riders of the Old West

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"Excuse me, but I believe you are in my seat."

'Who gets the decaf?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

Sulk Shows

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

"Who ordered a pizza?"