Romantic Commentator Gifts

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

Dating an English Major

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

'If I order pasta and she orders antipasta, did we really order anything?'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

Tunnel of Like.

'Cartoonist thinking'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Dating in 2020

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

Homophone Encounter

Sir Patrick Moore.

'For the last time, Butchie, I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Tree of Public Opinion.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

The stone is semi-precious, so I got you two.

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

"Or...we could suggest a three-way."

"This mask is a bit of a passion killer. . . !"