Ripeness Analyst Pillows

Avocado Timeline

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

Tonight 'Richard III' a new play by William Shakespeare.

"I'll give you my unconditional love - on one condition."

The Human Condition

I started my own Youtube channel. What's it about? Well, there are already too many stupid-stunt-and-prank channels, and too many holier-than-thou-independent-news-analysis channels. But get this: There were absolutely zero holier-than-thou-stupid-stunt-and-prank-analysis channels. Probably a reason for that. My first hard-hitting post reveals how the inauthenticity of the "Mario Kart" prank is driving away Millennials.

"I love it when you quote my blog back to me."

He had finally calculated that the Cubs would win the Series.

'He pats my back, but I don't pat his.'

Pirate has parrot for psychiatrist

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"If you think you've earned this by consistently retweeting my tweets -- you're right."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'We let 65 people try the '03 Malbec and told them they couldn't just describe it as 'good'. The result: 65 said it was 'very good'.'

The Relentlessly Jovial & Obnoxious Sales-People.

"Have you ever considered putting all your icky thoughts in a little box and keeping them there?"

"Look! Another non regulated bank!"

"Hitting me on the head with your club and dragging me by my hair back to the cave is not my idea of seduction."

'The one on the left is a beverage analyst for Huff & Swoon, and the one on the right is a drunk; or is it the other way around?'

'If you have anything of importance to tell me, for goodness sake, begin at the end.'

Maritime Tidal News

'How long have you felt this need to protect the net'

"In the future, everyone's going to stop talking about being famous for fifteen minutes."

"And make it look believanble."

High scores for Surgeon

'We'll be putting you in the 'crabby neighbor', demographic.'

"Mom, Dad, admit it - your dating agency was manipulated by russian hackers, right?"

'Isn't that a girlfriend of yours? Yes, three chequebooks ago.'

'Woof woof.' - 'I thought it was against company policy to have animals in the office.'

"I never connect with universal themes."

Rage!

Shoot first, ask questions later

'Sir, if rank has it's privileges, how come they get guns, and all I have is this crummy sword?'

'We worship celebrity!'