Rewards Gifts

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

'Isn't it how you learnt to swim?'

Frequent Visitor

"Wow, you've got tons of loyalty points. Someone's a good boy!"

'My wife's left me for a man with more Nectar points...'

"Yeah, I got the whole trip on frequent flyer points!"

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Win - win

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'If you can keep him clean for a day you can sleep in his bed tonight.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

"So, it's agreed - we lay off the stick and hit them hard with the carrot."

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"Thank you, everyone: now I'd like to introduce all the folks who made this possible for me!"

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

Norman E-Mailer

'I brought in a big order and my boss gave me a feather for my cap.'

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

'He's a control freak but the treats are good.'

Dangling Carrots

The Academy began to regret awarding the Oscar to Destructo.

'Yeah, but would you want to have a beer with him.'

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

Many certificates of achievement on the wall.

Time traveller of the year, 3173, A.D.

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

'Nobody seems to bother me anymore since I won this.'