Reverend Gifts

Rev. Bob, The Realist: '...You may now go from adoring to criticizing each other.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Herbert changes churches so often that we decided to skip the packing and unpacking stages.'

Vicar with a cross on his cycle helmet

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

"He knows what you did in Las Vegas."

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Just because the preacher is from Alabama doesn't mean he's speaking in tongues."

"I don't think you're really entering into the spirit of this baptism." (Minister to man wearing waders and waterproofs with umbrella).

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Preaching to the inverted.

'With the possible exception of my husband, we all enjoyed your sermon, Reverend.'

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

Welsh airport arrivals.

"Reverend your sermon was divine, naturally."

Two boys fishing in a river.

"Experience!"

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."

'No, I haven't heard the score of the football game.'

Don't think of it as tithing. Think of it as a cover charge.

"Well, Rachel... I suppose you could say that Moses downloaded the commandments from the cloud."

"And now The Reverend Higgins will beat the love of God into each and every one of you."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'All the tellers are nuns.'

"Good sermon, Reverend, but all that God stuff was pretty far-fetched."

"I know he's in here somewhere!"

'Beware of the Dogma.'

"We seem to be getting away from the separation of church and state."

"Do you promise to love, honor and not share each other's personal data on social media?"

Do you kneel to pray in church? No, we stand up for our rites.

"Reverend, we need to get you a button-down collar."