Resume Reflector Pillows

"The years 1966 through 1995 are blank because I was on tour with the Grateful Dead."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'You're hired. Go figure.'

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"When did you say you left school?"

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"I felt like 'data analyst' sounded better than 'good guesser'."

'Very impressive, but is there anything you can't do?'