Restructuring Pundit Gifts

'We don't need management consultants, we let the detiny decide: You're fired... you're fired... you're fired...'

"That's Paul, he's our head of partnerships..."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Risky, but I like it!'

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Giant merger.

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'