Restaurant Skeptic Gifts

'Can I send this back? Somehow a hair got in my soup.'

"Man did not claw his way to the top of the food chain for an entree that looks like that."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Please don't kill me."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"And how would you like your steak?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"