Restaurant Rater Pillows

"Is a 'Five Turds' rating a good thing or a bad thing?"

"'Market Price' isn't about the food. It's what we think we can charge YOU."

"Good evening. Can I start you off with a customer satisfaction survey?"

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Fast food. Even faster food

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'Don't order the Super Duper Jumbo Special.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

Try to guess the continent dining...

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Today's special... donuts.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

Kitchen Kapers

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"This is our soft opening."

Bar snacks served in bird-feeders.

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"