Restaurant Humor Collector Pillows

"Sorry, it’s my first day."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder

"You know what would compliment this meal? A nice vintage milk of magnesia"

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

'Waiter, there're four flies in my soup! How 'bout just moving the bug zapper?'

"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

'I didn't feel like cooking today.'

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

'What's the special?'