Resolution Realist Gifts

Resolutions.

'When you said you were taking up sport in the New Year I assumed you'd be doing it....not watching it!'

Who am I kidding?

"Here's to even lower expectations in the New Year."

"Everything on my bucket list was canceled out by my new year's resolutions."

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

'Please - no more New Years resolutions with price tags!'

"Any New Year resolutions?"

New Year's resolutions only last for about a month

"My new years resolution is to stop belittling others...hang on and I'll ask mister two-fries-short of a Happy Meal, what his is."

'Could you put me into an induced coma for four weeks?'

"I'm taking Sam's gym resolution for five hundred. A caffeine-free Jan is impossible."

Dear Diary...Resolutions

"Instead of making any New Year's resolutions, why not concentrate on your backlog dating from 1995?

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

"I'm going to join a gym as soon as I find one that has a membership plan for people who only show up once."

'I know I promised to get off my backside and take up a sort once the Olympics had finished - but it ain't over yet!'

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

"I'm having a dry January...Dry Martini, dry sherry, dry gin..."

"Those image resolutions are crystal clear, but it's my New Year's resolutions that are getting pretty fuzzy."

Sorry, I'll be busy washing my hair tonight

A surprisingly challenging resolution. This year my resolution is to leave well enough alone.

"My resolution is to not set myself up for failure."

"In solidarity with everyone who is snowed in across the country, I'postponing my New Year's resolution to exercise."

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I am not a workaholic. I just work to relax."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I hate this time of year."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.