Reputation Investigator Gifts

"Before I came I googled your name....did you hold up a convenience store in 2003?"

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

Pity vs. Bragging and Public Relations

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Complexity Made Simple.

"I mind my mother, eat my broccoli and do my homework, but you won't tell the guys, will you?"

Spying Smart TV

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'This is really going to tarnish his legacy, Al.'

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

You can have your privacy back, as soon as I've finished showing it to everyone

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

'Just a minute while I pull up your file.'

"I used to be known as Mr. Nice Guy, but I bought my way out."

"I investigated your husband, Mrs Adams. He isn't cheating on you. In fact, I'm your husband. We've just really lost touch recently."

'A role model? Yes, I suppose he was. Everywhere he went, people would say 'That's Bill Fenton... You don't want to be that guy!''

"We already have a state of the art security system. Why do we need a house detective?"

"Everybody's somebody's contra."

'...I'm the only one here who's outrageously high opinion of themselves is actually justified.'

'Sure I like him but I've only met him in real life. I have no idea what his online profiles are like.'

"You're not really into this, are you, Frank?"

'Promise me one thing, Lorraine... you won't tell my friends we met at a church picnic?'

"Hop in, honey. I’m an evangelical conservative, and a good kisser."

I was going to make you a rich woman, but you're done. Fine with me. I don't care what percentage I'll get. I won't let you play with my reputation. I won't let you trade in fake scandal. Perfect. What? We got your anger on videotape. Your redemption is complete. You're back on the air. Even my head is spinning.

"I wish he could have been here to hear all those wonderful lies they told about him."

How the LA Times Fired Me for the LAPD (Part 1 of 3)

"And don't waste your time canvassing the whole building, young man. We think alike."

Citizen journalist Rudy Park with a question. Make it quick. Are you and Cort going together to heard Sean Hannity speak? We're sharing a car. Citizen journalist Rudy Park with a follow-up. Just one. Is it a date? Come clean! The people must know! What people?

"You know, it's guys like you that give guys like me a bad name!"

"I've checked and cross-checked: nothing he's told me so far has been true! He's a true weasel alright..."

Wives in the Trees

Ernie McKelvey, moments before his life is touched by scandal.

'sure, Lassie made us Border Collies popular, but the drawback is that people expect us to save them or run for help all the time...'

"Aren't you being a little arrogant, son? Here's Lieutenant Colonel Farrington, Major Stark, Captain Truelove, Lieutenant Castle, and myself, all older and more experienced than you, and we think the war is very moral."