Reputation Defender Gifts

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

'Promise me one thing, Lorraine... you won't tell my friends we met at a church picnic?'

"You know, it's guys like you that give guys like me a bad name!"

You can have your privacy back, as soon as I've finished showing it to everyone

The Anti-Agent

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

Pity vs. Bragging and Public Relations

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

Social media and censorship...

"Countless observations and calculations based on the scientific method led me to the conclusion that the center of the universe is not planet earth, but. . ."

Autocensure

Elizabeth Warren is kicked out of the Senate for reading Coretta Scott King's letter about Jeff Sessions.

"I mind my mother, eat my broccoli and do my homework, but you won't tell the guys, will you?"

'You have the right to remain silent and to the counsel of a motivational speaker.'

'It drives me crazy when people whine about the collapse of the system!'

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

Man losing his honesty

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

"I have a right to disagree! You can't force me to use logic."

"Don't mess with that guy. He's a real hardwood."

"The genius of the justice system for us is that everyone has the right to a lawyer."

'ANOTHER fatwah?! Who have you been sharing your thoughts with this time?'

Radomly selected poll respondent

'A bit of shush please, I'm about to write them a damn stiff memo!'

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

"My client got twenty years, yet he paid me in full. It just shows the system works."

"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."

"Bad news - your DNA was delicious."

"Normally, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. These closing arguments would be filled with impassioned pleading, determined advocacy and a certain amount of histrionics, but this is a pro bono case."

"As soon as I get the paperwork together I'll file an appeal. Sometimes there are just not enough hours in the day."

"I've been sent from the future to stop Harper Lee from complicating the legacy of a beloved fictional character."

'Oh great, not him. That lawyer is as crooked as them come. We're screwed.'

"I used to be known as Mr. Nice Guy, but I bought my way out."

Crime slipping through legal system.