Repair Whiz Pillows

'It gets me from A to B alright but it won't get me from B back to A!!'

"Baxter...about this report...your punctuation, spelling and grammar are perfect. No one can understand it!"

Math Teacher

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

'I'm having a hard time balancing homework and family time.'

"I'm looking for a Father's Day gift. What kind of wrench says 'I love you'?"

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"According to the instructions, if the product is found to be faulty, dispose of it responsibly and purchase another."

Handy-lion

'To explain this extremely complex new imaging system, we've brought in Chuckles.'

A mess of mechanics

"My garage door opens whenever I change television channels."

'Still duckin' an' divin'?'

'And this is where we attempt to forecast the true size of the spending cuts!'

'Excellent Hoskins, you've got all the right numbers, now shall we see if you can put them in the right order?'

'This damn ??,' - 'So that's computer language,'

'Yes, I did give it an oil change myself. I changed to a healthy low calorie oil with no transfats.'

"The good news is a major company has noticed our website. The bad news is they're accusing us of copyright infringement."

"Yes, my automatic starter has the technology to start your car as well. I'll show you. Honey! Go start her car!"

"I crunched the numbers and now they're so smooshed up I can't read them."

'Your fireplace needs a flue shot.'

'I could pop the hood to take a look, but that would break the manufacturer's seal and void your warranty.'

'The spare's flat too, honey. Toss me that fruitcake.'

Gimme 400 rolls of duct tape.

Taxman takes money from Man doing up a house

"No, you still look fat."

"It's going to cost more than it's worth to fix it. In fact, it's going to cost more than it's worth just to dispose of it."

'I knew you had a bit of rough!'

Hansen's Glue-All Multi-Purpose Glue

Drastic Oil Change

"Off hand, I'd say your bumpy ride is due to your tires, but just to be sure, I'll run a bunch of computer diagnostics."

'Does anyone have a zanglethribber?'

The Republican Machine