Remodel Fiend Pillows

Emergency Hipster Beard

'What's amazing is that I only threw one stick.'

"My pillow mania got out of control so I'm limiting myself to just one at a time."

"I look kind of nice today. . . How long have I been this ugly?"

'Wait a minute....!

Kicking The Habit

Liberties: civil and uncivil.

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

'My hubby is getting better at D.I.Y. . . . Oh yes, he now spends more on screws than plasters.'

"It's fondue night!"

"They're not as scary on casual Friday."

'We wanted to maintain the integrity of the original house.'

'Whadaya mean my fixed income is broken?'

"Well, I think we've proved our point...you want to push it, or should I?"

'Good news. We just made $21,450 online trading. Now we're only behind $347,364.'

Formula One Finish Line.

'She's going to six different psychiatrists for her compulsive comparison shopping problem.'

"Your husband used the wrong emoji to express his feelings, which caused mass confusion. He'll be sentenced to a mandatory emoji educational class."

Pimp my cow.

Scariest Horror Film Ever: National Debt

Decisions...Decisions.

"I'm a corporate tax consultant... I've got a loophole named after me..!

"Your investments went down the toilet. You now own stock in a sewage company."

"Well I've done the floor! Only two days hard graft, but I thought you said the apartment had a sea view..."

'No way, I can't stand country and western.' (Farm Aid Rock festival in Somerset.)

"Notice anything different about me?"

"And this one has a butt recognition feature. Only you will be able to sit in it."

"You seem different."

"Would you like your custom blinds to get stuck on the left or on the right?"

'Table for two...'

"Quickly! Call the hair stylist!"

The card room at Bath

"Arthur and I both like books with unreliable narrators. The problem is that he only reads nonfiction."